My journey to finding myself

For the longest time, I continued to look for love. I looked for some type of confirmation that I was worthy of love. I just wanted someone to laugh with me, to share the same feelings I had, to share life with. The thing is I haven’t experienced life on my own. At least not until now.  Don’t get me wrong, I’ve spent time being single but I would still yearn for attention from someone. I would always ask questions like what’s wrong with me? Or why can’t I find that person who loves me the way I loved them?

Some of you know one of the reasons I went to China is to find myself and is to get over a broken heart. I know it sounds cliche, but it’s completely true. For the first time in my life I fell in love, and when things didn’t work out I felt like my world completely fell apart. I was hurt and angry for so long. I felt like I would never get over this or get past these feelings. I continuously would think about if only I had seen the signs, or if he hadn’t just given up on everything so easily. I blamed myself for him leaving, and I blamed myself for pushing him away.

One day, I was sitting in the back of a taxi stuck in Beijing traffic listening to music, music that reminded me of him, of us. The thing is when I thought about it I just smiled and I thought to myself “Why are you so angry? Why are you so hurt?” I realized there is no reason to be angry or hurt anymore. It’s in the past, and it’s time for me to move forward. It was time to move on so that I can continue to enjoy my time left here in China. The anger and hurt I had was holding me back from experiencing China, and it was keeping me from being happy. And just like that the hurt, the anger was gone. The memory I had with him will never fade away, but I know I will find happiness without him. I am just grateful I got to spend the time I had with him.

For the first time in my life, I have let go of the idea of needing a relationship, and the idea of someone else completing me. How was I supposed to share my life with someone, when I didn’t even know who I was? Well, guess what I’m finding myself now. For the first time, I’m focusing on what makes me happy.

I know now that I wasn’t wrong for falling, and I’ll never be wrong for opening my heart. I shared my heart with someone who didn’t know how to love, someone who wasn’t ready to love. He didn’t make me fall, I chose to fall, and the decision for falling wasn’t the wrong one. If there’s one thing I learned about myself, it’s that I’m capable. I’m capable of giving love, of feeling love, of being completely destroyed by it and somehow surviving. I’m capable of change, of welcoming people in and out of my life and knowing that not everyone is meant to be in my life. I am able to cherish moments with the people in my life who make me happy, and I am able to let go of those who don’t.

I know you’re probably thinking “She learned all that from just a few weeks in China?” Yes, yes I did. Traveling to another country has tested me. I have had really hard days. I’ve even been so close to packing everything and getting on the next flight out of here, but leaving home and getting out of my comfort zone has been completely worth it. I realized that there is so much out there in the world besides the guy who broke my heart, and honestly, I must thank him because without him I wouldn’t be in China. I wouldn’t be taking any of these risks. Traveling really touches a part of the heart that no man could ever reach.

And now it’s my turn to fall in love with my life.

Thank you to my family for supporting me, thank you to all my friends who supported me and those who have continued to stay in contact with me, and thank you to the guy who broke my heart. I wouldn’t be here without you.

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